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(no subject) [Jun. 7th, 2010|09:08 pm]
not this, not now. i cant do this anymore.

i need God so badly right now and i cant find him.
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(no subject) [Apr. 13th, 2010|12:04 am]
not that i have people who read this at all, ha...um i just have nowhere else to do this.

i just lost my best friend.

i've been crying for a while, but it's like effortless tears. they're not even coming from me or any emotion i have.

i try too hard. i'm overbearing, loud...my personality is not one that people admire. i dont know what to do.

i need to be alone for a long time.
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it's been 8.3 years buut... [Sep. 21st, 2009|07:16 pm]

music, graphics, writing, pictures--anything you want on lj : )

join and tell all your fraaaands!<3<3
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new hair [Feb. 23rd, 2009|06:44 pm]

new hair.
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so yeah [Feb. 17th, 2009|08:49 pm]
swimming's over! i'm going to start posting a lot more i hope.

uhhhhh so i went to california and it was really fun. my new hair has grown on me--haha. i'm beginning to like it a little more but i still have to wear it straight all of the time which is really annoying.

now that swimming is over im starting to set weekly goals for myself i guess? like, this week im cleaning my room and the bathroom because both need to be cleaned and i feel like i have so much extra time that i can definitely manage that.

ps im starting like a diet/workout plan. WOO HOO.

more later : )
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GUESS WHAT [Jan. 21st, 2009|08:53 pm]

and the picture in my first entry REALLY makes me miss it: (

pictures later when i find my camera and you guys can tell me what you think
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(no subject) [Jan. 13th, 2009|10:44 pm]
[sports? |EAGLES still]
[feeling? |nervousnervous]
[tunes? |twilight still]

ps--to do list. im trying to help myself get organized for all of this : \

math:review day tomorrow, then get some practice problems and do them
english:sparknotes all the books and write the stuff we talked about/essay topics on the review paper she gave us.
physics:review day tomorrow, ask questions on quizzes and get practice problems/re-do what i got wrong on the tests.
history:go through all notes--highlight and re-read. make an outline for that stupid essay that i dont want to do. study note cards made all throughout the year and write down major ideas?

IM NOT EVEN GOING TO DO THIS. seriously im such a slacker.
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(no subject) [Jan. 13th, 2009|10:38 pm]
[sports? |ha, EAGLES.]
[feeling? |nervousnervous]
[tunes? |twilight soundtrack??]

finals, you're killing me.

thursday is math and english. im nervous about math but ive studied, but i haven't studied at all of english--priority i guess.

friday is physics and history. i've studied a lot for physics and we have a review day tomorrow, but im so nervous for history, i REALLY need to study for that.
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i said puck you, miss [Jan. 9th, 2009|10:24 pm]
[sports? |missed another swim meet because im sick]
[feeling? |sicksick]
[tunes? |tobyMAC--yeah christian music]

just reminded by buetkween of how much i adore summer heights high. <3<3.

im still really sick, which sucks so much. my mom wont let me sleep out tonight so i think eva's just coming over--if she can deal with me coughing all night. i feel like such shit, i really hate being sick. i can't hear very well at all, and im coughing all the time. what's worse is that my mom--even though she's a doctor--thinks that tylenol cold will cure me, so that's all im taking because she doesn't feel like getting me an actual doctor's appointment. i know, i sound like a little kid bitching about this, but im crabby and about to throw up because im coughing so hard. FUCK THIS, seriously.

in other news, school sucks. i really can't describe how much i hate school right now. i'm slacking in all of my classes and getting really careless because im tired of trying, but i can't really do that with finals in FIVE DAYS. im ready to die, and MORE than ready for this semester to be done with. i hate all this pressure. grading people becomes increasingly offensive to me as time goes on, probably because my grades are slipping, ha. i have found a college im REALLY interested in though. pepperdine university. it's a christian school in malibu, which seems really cool. and it's not like, crazy fundamentalist or anything--i think it'll be good for me. and it's division one in sports and a REALLY good school. WOW pressure's on.

got an mri for my ankle yesterday, jason (my trainer) says im going back in the boot. woooow failure. i can still swim though, which is great.

THIS IS ABOUT GOD. SKIP IT IF YOU THINK IM A PUSHY CHRISTIAN. lately ive been feeling really far from god. i dont know why. younglife didn't go over break, but i still spent time with em my leader and with people from yl so i dont know what's going on. it scares me. i have anxiety and i was getting to a point with god where i could feel myself sort of leaving that partially...i know that sounds stupid but i still felt it, but now it's back and full-fledged. i really want to drink and smoke again. i just feel really lost and far from god lately, and i hate that feeling. i missed campaigners (bible study) this week because i was sick, and that killed me because i really needed that. i'm going to go out with em sometime this upcoming week, but im also thinking of getting some yl people together to do a mini-campaigners. i dont know if that sounds stupid, whatever. it just sucks because i was at such a good place, the best place i've ever been and now it's gone and i dont know why. a;lkjdioajerlkansg this is more frustrating than school and being sick combined, i think.DONE.

im gonna go make some brownies and wait for eva to get home. i was too busy hanging out with homeless people in my church's basement to go out with her tonight. that sounded resentful, it wasn't.

have a good weekend : )
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im sick [Jan. 6th, 2009|03:23 pm]
[sports? |i missed my meet today because im sick]
[feeling? |sicksick]
[tunes? |preston and steve!]

yeah, im sick. i have some sort of virus? i dont even know..but i mean its not a stomach virus, i just have a horrible throat ache.

i woke up at a regular time for school today, and immediately i felt the repercussions not only of this stupid virus, but also of swimming yesterday because we swam SO MUCH. i thought i was going to throw up, and i've never felt that before. so then i went back to bed and went in to see my mom around 12pm to get some medicine. then i went to wendys and took another nap. since then i've been listening to preston and steve.

i wish i led an exciting life, hahah. this made me feel better a little ;).

im gonna go sleep more and look at the cobra snake more. wooooooo being sick sucks
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